Marriage in the time of 'conscious uncoupling'

Poor Gwyneth and Chris! I mean that sincerely - she had previously been engaged to Brad Pitt and they lasted 10 years, pretty much a few life times by Hollywood marriage standards. They were a couple that seemed to have a soul level connection. I am sure they do, but something has gone wrong...

The ridicule over Gwyneth's lifestyle choices was already really harsh but both had talents, amazing independent careers and a healthy sense of privacy about their family life (we'll let slide Gwyn's attempts at singing, everyone's entitled to an indulgence aren't they? no harm no foul in my world). 

It's a little unnerving for me to read this sort of news right now, as I am newly engaged and planning to marry once, for life. Witness the gorgeous ring, which does attract comments from everyone. He knew I liked the teardrop shape, knew he wanted white gold and came up with something that works perfectly. That's a man who knows how to pay attention (even if it takes a few attempts to get him to do it). 

A week ago I would have held Gwyneth and Chris up as an example of two people who can love and support each other, nurturing each individual's talents and raising healthy, intelligent children. But if you believe the press and the gossip then there have been affairs, lack of sex, arguments over how to feed their kids and they just couldn't live together anymore. What does this say about them? Are they sensible, conscious people who didn't want to wait until they became 'empty nesters' to get on with living their own lives? The idea that they are 'consciously uncoupling' definitely says so. I will forever love Gwyneth for supplying the fodder for such funny tweets as you'll find on the hashtag #ConsciousUncoupling, but the question remains: was this two people who just didn't want to do the work involved in being married anymore? If they didn't, with everything they had, will I? Look at Bruce Willis and Demi Moore - apparently still best friends after being divorced for so long. I guess if that's 'conscious uncoupling' then there's nothing to be afraid of, but if they get along so well living apart what's the problem living together? Demi and Ashton have ended and Bruce clearly took years and years to find someone else. Did he find the right someone else? 

A lot of people don't want to do all that work people talk about when they get married, and the decision to split is fair enough. I actually agree with the idea behind conscious uncoupling - releasing rigidity and belief structures around marriage. In this day and age it's absolutely necessary. Check out this article from the National Post that explains it a bit more. But a split won't do you any good if you don't really work on yourself and sort out your own heart and happiness. It can be done inside a relationship, but doesn't always look pretty. It looks, a lot of the time, like unacceptable compromise, like failure, or like not being able to get things to happen fast enough. Egos are such brutal things, and when they clash it's worth getting out of the way at all costs.

I've been in a relationship for 7 (nearly 8) years now, and can confidently say compromise is constant, and yes I have asked myself (do ask myself) frequently whether I'm losing something by staying. That leads to a lot of what feels like 'pushiness' sometimes, but I figure if he stays, and I can stay as long as I'm able to be pushy and get my way then it's worthwhile staying together.

When I look at the fact that he surprises me with Burberry handbags as Christmas gifts, that he helps me fund my penchant for further study, and that the state of my relationship has led to tears of bewilderment and longing from people going through their own issues it shows me I have something incredibly special in my life. It means I get to take a month off and do yoga teacher training in Bali. It means I don't cook meat at home anymore. It means he's quitting smoking (finally!!), and it means that slowly, gradually, inch by inch, we continue to claim our own space within the relationship and hopefully avoid stifling each other or losing ourselves.

It doesn't happen 'easily' at all though, and if you drop the ball for even a few weeks you'll be in danger of losing the progress you do make. Let me be honest and say some of the simplest things are taking YEARS to turn around. 

I'd be interested to know from anyone reading this how long do you think it's acceptable to wait for something in a relationship to change (something that you can't wholeheartedly embrace after a lot of trying...like smoking)? At what point are you being selfish or unselfish if/when you leave? At what point do you give up? It's something i've never known how to do well. I finished a law degree purely for the sake of finishing. I had no clear plan or idea of what I would do with it. I thought about relationships for years after they were over, and went through endless amounts of 'letting go' to get to a relatively clean and clear space where my life can move forward.

In my heart of hearts I'm still holding out hope that Gwyneth and Chris will work out their differences, but it's just the incurable romantic in me I guess! Whether they do work it out depends on a lot of things, including how serious those differences really are. It's the same for them as it is for me and whatever happens I'm pretty sure we'll all survive.

I want your presence, not your presents :)

This week's affirmation for me is "I deserve to be here. I am authentic, my words are valid and I belong - ALWAYS." - made up by me because I needed it (man oh man oh man have I needed it!). This topic brings me back to a tweet I put out a couple of weeks ago too, a few weeks after I started to experience the seven levels of HELL I have just been through thanks to a different bunch of circumstances that won't ever be repeated - and a nightmarish Mercury Retrograde in my own sign of Pisces (it's particularly cruel when all signs point to you having an easy time, to success, and when you see others having that easy success but it isn't your turn yet. Nope you're not off the hook that easily). I was already giving myself the basis of what would get me through though - check it out:

Reason#30 you are awesome; you can whisper, talk, shout, write, sing, dance or act it out but you ALWAYS have a way to get your point across
— kaliannagrace (@kaliannagrace) March 8, 2014

Eventually everything that needed to happen did happen, just in the most awful and unnecessary way that I am still reeling and that I need to build myself back up again big time. A lot of staring at scenes like this helped:

Hands up if you've experienced that moment where you're trying your hardest to say something, to express, to let someone else know what you need them to hear only to be completely, totally and utterly misunderstood? Or, even worse, have your quiet voice drowned out, trampled or ignored. What you have to say might be hard, the other person might be hard, it doesn't matter. Oh you have? Great! I thought so.

The fact is that there are little squeaks and sounds, subtle energies working in all of us, and moving through us and when we don't pay attention, or when we deny them is exactly when we end up with ISSUES. Physical issues, emotional issues, accidents, throat chakra issues (if you go in for that sort of thing, but it applies to you whether you do or not). So we must learn some way or another to express ourselves - to let what's inside come out, preferably without hurting someone or something in the process.

My best suggestion so far in my time on this earth to enable the two way process of getting a point across, and what I like to call authentic communication, is to simply be PRESENT as much as possible. Gosh that is not an easy ask, but I am thankful any time I ever meet someone who is completely present, giving me their attention and acknowledging to me when they aren't understanding or weren't listening when I said something. It means being careful about WHEN and HOW you say something too - because if you know someone else is not present, not hearing what you are saying or thinking their own thoughts to themselves you can't expect them to take in what you have to say properly can you? I still encounter people talking over the top of each other almost every day and you just know that the conversation was basically a waste of time and valuable energy. It's like trying to pass the potatoes across a table with a live hippopotamus sitting on top of it. Amusing maybe but useful? unlikely...talking to someone or answering someone who has made their mind up already or pre-judged you or the situation can be equally impossible. Charlie Pickering and Steve Price arguing on The Project is a perfectly entertaining case in point on this. Charlie has recently announced that he's quitting the show he's been fantastic on for nearly six years. Surprising? hardly. Those two need a whole different form of communication to work out their differences, as do most politicians probably!

Think for a second about this. How many marriages could be saved if husbands and wives just shut up and listened to each other and really heard what was said, making their own voice inside quiet without running its own commentary of proceedings full of judgments that they made up themselves? That's what presence is. How many childhoods would be saved if people simply took the time to ACKNOWLEDGE what someone small is feeling before guiding them to how they 'should' feel about something?

To acknowledge, and to enable this being 'present' business, it's pretty damn important to pay attention too. Laws against texting and driving don't seem to stop people from trying to get around the fact that we just aren't designed to multi-task the way so many people wish we were. Schools are set up so that by default only certain types of learners really achieve close to their potential (there's a fantastic book on this subject called Brain Rules that should be required reading for any teacher, parent, communications employee or bus driver. Pretty much everyone really). One day it might be recognised that the way we do things is not conducive to people being present, and that being present is how we achieve our best, but a lot of people need a lot more therapy first in my experience.

There's a line from the Sister Act 2 movie which is just so apt here I have to bust it out - please take a minute (and 42sec) to relive this adorable moment, which kind of sums up what i'm on about:

I'm here to tell you that for a big part of the population it's virtually impossible to be present - and someone I've looked up to for a long time, Eckhart Tolle, might agree with me. How do I know? I experience it almost on the daily. Ever been in front of a distant and inattentive store clerk who didn't hear you say 'savings account' when you handed over the card to pay - being a GOOD customer trying to save them a question and some time? They will ask you, and maybe ask you again by the time they actually get to putting it through - and some even have the audacity to mumble about customers being slow or act like you don't pay enough attention to them - and instantly someone's got a problem that shouldn't even exist. Meanwhile i'm practicing my deep breathing trying not to lose my S#!T. Or the waiter who hears you say the words 'no meat' but decides to give you a pad thai with chicken in it anyway?

Ever had a job interview where you just KNOW that the questions you are being asked are actually not going to be that relevant to the selection process, or ensure the right candidate gets chosen at all? Oh yes, you know what i'm talking about. I know you do. You try and communicate, try to make a process go smoothly, the message just isn't getting through. Lights are certainly on and nobody is at home. To all of us who continue trying, may we make peace with the process and to those who don't try, may you start to think about how you can be more present to your everyday surroundings, the people around you, the moods people are in.

This has turned into a really long rant, but it felt good to get it out (see what I did there? lol) The good news is, people who do what I do are taught the value of presence, and can teach it to others too. You'll have to book a session with me to find out more though :)

Why I didn't take a #nomakeupselfie for cancer research

It's interesting to see the media and Facebook, instagram, twitter and other social platforms all-a-flutter over the latest 'good cause' - supporting breast cancer research with the #nomakeupeslfie hashtag. What's been achieved, raising something like AUD$3m equivalent for a cause is really commendable - the universe knows I'd be flying pretty high if there was $3m committed to teaching people the value of health coaching and supplying plants and organic food to needy communities. Something about this really bothers me though, and it's time to speak up about it. Before I do, here's my version - taken on a regular makeup free day. It was, until yesterday, also my facebook profile photo and I don't believe I was 'brave' to post a photo of myself without makeup (but that's really a subject for another post).

What irks me is the fact that all over the world cancer survival is considered living beyond 5 years after diagnosis, and that people still hold out so much hope for  a pill to deal with something so endemic, that impacts every physical and psychological level of the human condition. Do not misunderstand me, my position is that western medicine and cancer research are invaluable in the right circumstances. What I would say is that we've probably reached that point by now, especially with an affliction like cancer, so widespread and widely known. If I have a car accident, if I get blown up by a suicide bomber and need to be put back together, I'll be the one asking to be taken to the hospital, and for insurance dollars to help, but there is a limit to what these sorts of institutions can do. Ultimately my firm belief is that our own health is in our own hands. It involves choices (and yes, you do have a choice whether or not it's a hard one to make when it comes to what you put into your body and expose yourself to). Education, less carcinogens in your food and your environment and lots of love and laughter are never even talked about in any serious way. Western medicine except for a few enlightened practitioners at the very top remains helpless...hopeless, and we think throwing more dollars at the research looking for drugs is the solution?

Pills can relieve pain in someone who is days away form dying, and pills or drugs in the form of antibiotics can stem the onslaught of an infection in the short term, in a time of dire need - but people in their childhood, their teens, their 20s and 30s are going down with cancer. Stem cell research, quantum biology and areas where real progress can be made are still ignored or pooh-poohed by most of mainstream western society. The dollars go to big pharmaceutical studies from what I have read (correct me if I am wrong please!) - so that's really the issue for me. Where's the emphasis on prevention with all of the research going on? and the dollars going towards it?

Don't we all by now have some personal experience with this insidious disease? My aunt was a cancer survivor, and she just died in her sixties after her sister died a few years ago of a different form of cancer. Friends of my family have 'survived' cancer and more have been taken by the disease, or live with the knowledge that it might come back at any time. They live with what they were told: that cancer is irreversible, and that there's nothing you can do in your own life to mitigate it. Is that really the truth? Food Matters, The Gerson Institute, The Wellness Warrior and people like Anita Moorjani actually say otherwise.

Mothers and grandmothers, fathers and sons with everything to live for are subjecting themselves to the most horrific treatments mankind ever invented in the hopes of lasting another few months or years - with no guarantee of even that (doctors will admit that they are still CLUELESS in a lot of areas when it comes to cancer). At this point, when the dollars spent on cancer research number more than $200 BILLION per year worldwide, when as the research increases and intensifies the answers seem further and further away - and most treatments do more harm than good - can't we start to ask ourselves whether maybe, just maybe, there's enough money being spent on this type of research?Maybe there's a way we can all individually be more proactive about preventing and dealing with cancer in ways that don't involve using known carcinogens in the form of chemotherapy, radiation and surgery to make a bad situation utterly horrific? If the $200bn is being spent that way, well, then great! if not, then we need a new type of cancer research in my view.

I  know that so many people do the fun runs, colour themselves in rainbows, bake sugary cancer causing treats and do all manner of things to hold out some glimmer of hope, and ease feelings of helplessness. Here's a thought though - what if we're not helpless at all? What if we're just seriously misinformed and under-educated about what we can all do today to prevent and mitigate the risks of cancer? hmmmn

Now that the ranty part of this post is over, I'll quickly add that no, I am not a great fan of the 'selfie' and what it says about participants in this #nomakeupselfie project. Please check out this great article on the subject by Clementine Ford, who I agree with for the most part (except where she also says that cancer research just needs 'serious dollars' and does not address the direction the research is going).

I also took this one makeup free selfie way back in January 2011 before selfies were even that much of a 'thing'. I also never wear makeup except for a rare occasion a couple of times a year, and I love my life that way.

If you want to see more makeup free selfies just friend me on facebook, or follow me on twitter (@kaliannagrace) ;)