Marriage in the time of 'conscious uncoupling'

Poor Gwyneth and Chris! I mean that sincerely - she had previously been engaged to Brad Pitt and they lasted 10 years, pretty much a few life times by Hollywood marriage standards. They were a couple that seemed to have a soul level connection. I am sure they do, but something has gone wrong...

The ridicule over Gwyneth's lifestyle choices was already really harsh but both had talents, amazing independent careers and a healthy sense of privacy about their family life (we'll let slide Gwyn's attempts at singing, everyone's entitled to an indulgence aren't they? no harm no foul in my world). 

It's a little unnerving for me to read this sort of news right now, as I am newly engaged and planning to marry once, for life. Witness the gorgeous ring, which does attract comments from everyone. He knew I liked the teardrop shape, knew he wanted white gold and came up with something that works perfectly. That's a man who knows how to pay attention (even if it takes a few attempts to get him to do it). 

A week ago I would have held Gwyneth and Chris up as an example of two people who can love and support each other, nurturing each individual's talents and raising healthy, intelligent children. But if you believe the press and the gossip then there have been affairs, lack of sex, arguments over how to feed their kids and they just couldn't live together anymore. What does this say about them? Are they sensible, conscious people who didn't want to wait until they became 'empty nesters' to get on with living their own lives? The idea that they are 'consciously uncoupling' definitely says so. I will forever love Gwyneth for supplying the fodder for such funny tweets as you'll find on the hashtag #ConsciousUncoupling, but the question remains: was this two people who just didn't want to do the work involved in being married anymore? If they didn't, with everything they had, will I? Look at Bruce Willis and Demi Moore - apparently still best friends after being divorced for so long. I guess if that's 'conscious uncoupling' then there's nothing to be afraid of, but if they get along so well living apart what's the problem living together? Demi and Ashton have ended and Bruce clearly took years and years to find someone else. Did he find the right someone else? 

A lot of people don't want to do all that work people talk about when they get married, and the decision to split is fair enough. I actually agree with the idea behind conscious uncoupling - releasing rigidity and belief structures around marriage. In this day and age it's absolutely necessary. Check out this article from the National Post that explains it a bit more. But a split won't do you any good if you don't really work on yourself and sort out your own heart and happiness. It can be done inside a relationship, but doesn't always look pretty. It looks, a lot of the time, like unacceptable compromise, like failure, or like not being able to get things to happen fast enough. Egos are such brutal things, and when they clash it's worth getting out of the way at all costs.

I've been in a relationship for 7 (nearly 8) years now, and can confidently say compromise is constant, and yes I have asked myself (do ask myself) frequently whether I'm losing something by staying. That leads to a lot of what feels like 'pushiness' sometimes, but I figure if he stays, and I can stay as long as I'm able to be pushy and get my way then it's worthwhile staying together.

When I look at the fact that he surprises me with Burberry handbags as Christmas gifts, that he helps me fund my penchant for further study, and that the state of my relationship has led to tears of bewilderment and longing from people going through their own issues it shows me I have something incredibly special in my life. It means I get to take a month off and do yoga teacher training in Bali. It means I don't cook meat at home anymore. It means he's quitting smoking (finally!!), and it means that slowly, gradually, inch by inch, we continue to claim our own space within the relationship and hopefully avoid stifling each other or losing ourselves.

It doesn't happen 'easily' at all though, and if you drop the ball for even a few weeks you'll be in danger of losing the progress you do make. Let me be honest and say some of the simplest things are taking YEARS to turn around. 

I'd be interested to know from anyone reading this how long do you think it's acceptable to wait for something in a relationship to change (something that you can't wholeheartedly embrace after a lot of trying...like smoking)? At what point are you being selfish or unselfish if/when you leave? At what point do you give up? It's something i've never known how to do well. I finished a law degree purely for the sake of finishing. I had no clear plan or idea of what I would do with it. I thought about relationships for years after they were over, and went through endless amounts of 'letting go' to get to a relatively clean and clear space where my life can move forward.

In my heart of hearts I'm still holding out hope that Gwyneth and Chris will work out their differences, but it's just the incurable romantic in me I guess! Whether they do work it out depends on a lot of things, including how serious those differences really are. It's the same for them as it is for me and whatever happens I'm pretty sure we'll all survive.